Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic
cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and
shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd
done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the
cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him
and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

Shamus opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Mick.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Shamus. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Mick. "Where are you callin' from?"

Two Irish companies were competing for a contract to put up telegraph poles.
The authorities decided to test them, seeing which company could put up the
most poles in an hour. The first company achieved twenty but when the second
company's tally came in it was only two.
"I'm afraid you lost the job", the second company was told, "the other boys
managed twenty to your two."
"Ah," came the reply, "but they cheated. Did you see how much they left
sticking out of the ground?"

An Irishman fell a hundred feet from a building site and asked if he
was hurt by the fall. "Indeed not," he replied, "It wasn't the fall that
hurt me at all, it was the sudden stop."

It's always puzzled me," said the Irishman looking up from his newspaper,
"how everytime the Lord gets it right. People always seem to be dying in
alphabetical order."

An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were at the fair and about to
go on the helter-skelter when an old crone steps in front of them.
"This is a magic ride," she says. "You will land in whatever you shout out
on the way down."
"I'm game for this," says the Welshman and slides down the helter-skelter
shouting "GOLD!" at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the
bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins.
The Englishman goes next and shouts "SILVER!" at the top of his voice. At the
bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry.
The Irishman goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide shouts
"WEEEEEEE!"

"It's been a long day," complained Mrs. Murphy, " and I haven't sat down since I got up."

Paddy was walking through a graveyard when de came across a headstone with
the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man."
"Faith now," exclaimed Paddy, "I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave."

The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish
husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared
at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?" "There," said the wife, "didn't
I tell you he was stupid?"

Shamus asked Paddy how he got his black eye.
"You'd never believe it," said Paddy, "but I got it in church."
He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they stood for a hymn,
he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bottom.
"All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned around and hit me."
Said Paddy.
A week later Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye.
"I got this one in church, too," explained Paddy.
He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for a hymn
her dressed was once again creased into the cheeks of her bottom.
"My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew she didn't like
that, so I leaned over and tucked it back."

There is an Irish man getting ready to jump to his death from a bridge
when a Priest walks past. The man turns to the Priest and says, "Don't try
to stop me father, I'm going to jump."
"Don't jump." says the Priest, "It can't be that bad. Think
of the life you have yet to live."
"That's one of the reasons I'm jumping" Says the Irish man.
"Well if that won't stop you, think about your family." says the Priest.
"That's another reason." says the Irish man.
"Well think about your job." says the Priest.
"There's another reason." says the Irish man.
"Well if that won't stop you think about St. Patrick." says the Priest.
"Who's that?" asks the Irish man.
"Jump you Protestant bastard." says the Priest

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.

Have you heard about the Irish boomerang?
It doesn't come back, it just sings songs about how much it wants to

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without
interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

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